In Mourning, We Gain

    First and foremost, I would like to start by saying happy new year. This next blog post is actually from March 19, 2024. Around this time last year, I was realizing a lot of things about myself and growing through a lot of pain that came from a tough choice of choosing myself even when it was the last thing I wanted to do. I made so many mistakes through this journey, coupled with a whirlwind of emotions and the need to stay a float even when I felt as if I was drowning. 

   The title itself speaks volumes, and I just hope that my life experiences can help you make better decisions for yourself, and urge you to forever love and value yourself more than anyone around you claims they do. So without further delay, I present to you, In Mourning, We Gain. 

   It is hard to say how much time we spend thinking about the things we did or didn't do in the moments of life we viewed significant or essential. Whether it be a memory that's resurrected by a trigger that makes us miss an opportunity we never got to take, or simply a connection we wish we could have had based off the needs of our younger self. There's always a wave of sadness for that little girl or boy, and it happens at random, making us retreat into our shell or cease inside of our own world. I find myself stuck there at times. Usually it is mixed with frustration for wanting to just forget and forgive, and sometimes it is me sitting in the space tearfully confused at why it had to be me to go without. 

   I think these emotions arise when I feel less capable. In these moments when I am pushing forward to reach a goal or change myself for the better; any obstacle in my way starts to feel like a personal attack on the attributes I lack and the grief I feel for the little giro who felt unseen. During church service one day, my pastor said, ' your daddy wasn't in your life, okay? you didn't get this and that in childhood? okay, so what now?'. He asked us all that Sunday, how long would we stay in that space and what can we do about it besides construct how we choose to move on. 

   I heard him loud and clear. In my heart and soul, that was exactly what I wanted for myself. To move on from the feelings of inadequacy and stagnation from focusing on the past. It wasn't until recently, when I started to really come into that mindset and realization. I made the things that I once felt held me back, my fuel rather than my road block. For one, God did not bring me through life for me to just crawl up and wallow in what was. I knew it was my job to get serious about my growth in this area of my life and mental health, and learn to pray over my mind while rebuking the negative thoughts and emotions that would try to take over. 

   During a pep talk to myself, I simply said, 'you are not dead.' I was 100% correct too, I was and am not dead, but had allowed grief of what could have been to steal my faith in what I knew can be. That is what inspired the title of this piece in itself; in mourning, we gain. When things feel like they are the worse they have ever felt; that is when God shows us just how great He is and how small our worries and troubles are compared to His glory and power He put down inside of us. 

   We hear this often in todays age, but it holds so much truth in it; and that is that, feelings and emotions are meant to be felt, but we can not take camp there. If it matters to you and you have a driven passion towards it, it is attainable. Faith without works is dead. We are blessed day after day and get to choose how to spend it, so it is worth spending it that time working towards goals and skills your younger self would be more than proud of.

   As I get older and wiser, I find myself fulfilling things of my inner child. Passions of mine that I thought seemed to be mere trials in my childhood, have come to be things I do more and more that not only put a smile on my face but bring me peace. No matter how long it takes, find out what those hidden passions are, and what God has for you and grasp them tight. Too long have we allowed the enemy to rob our joy by temporary setbacks that simply are apart of life. Rebuke him, and no matter if and when bad days come....let God guide you back, because I promise that the journey alone will ease the grief of that unseen child and raise up a phenomenal woman or man of God that the Lord himself has called you and I to be. For in mourning, we gain. 

w/ love, 

Lyric