Love Again

 

All my life I knew love that came with the conditions of work or rather performance . Get good grades , you get praise . Clean the house and you’re seen as the good obedient child . Say yes ma’am and no sir and so forth, and you’re everyone’s dream child. 

   My grandpa was the first to show me that I am loved simply and purely for being Lyric . I don’t remember having to present anything to him . I don’t remember feeling the absence of approval or love . I don’t remember having to be anything other than myself. Maybe that was the pastor within him , but he truly was a special being. As a child I think losing him scared me . Not knowing what life would or could look like without him , but knowing that without his every now and then visits and time spent , life would definitely be different . As I grew up, my norm became being me with those that made it feel effortless . My teens were more so me being inside my shell , preserving my best most authentic self for those that made it easy to be me . Although that was my truth then, I still found myself preforming needing the approval of my mom . Dad , didn’t really much get in tune emotionally with me that way , so approval was never sought after from him. Even then, my uncle had a huge impact on my life after my grandfathers passing . His approval mattered greatly to me. He was like a brother growing up, and we were only 9 years apart so it was easy to see him that way. As I saw him overcome life’s obstacles and still remain my cool uncle, haha , I wanted him to tell me the schools to attend for college , groom me for the sister sorority to his fraternity in a way because I looked up to him that much. With him, I don’t think I felt the need to perform for his love, but I would soon realize in my teen and adult life how conditional it truly was. 

   I don’t think as women , that we can completely comprehend what it means to perform for love and affection until we have experienced a raw and in-depth situation that mimics the behaviors or feelings felt from our past with those we call loved ones or family . 

   I was not able to unpack and notice the patterns of no self worth or it being contingent upon the approval I got from those around me until I was in an abusive relationship. Certain things said, the emotional abuse, and even actions taken towards me were first demonstrated by family very close to me. It didn’t click for me until I asked myself why I stayed or dealt with it for so long. The only answer I had for myself was, because it’s the only love I’ve ever known . The tough love, the emotionally abusive love, the performative love, and the struggle love . When I say struggle I don’t mean circumstantial, but rather that ego stroking kind of coddling that happens when someone shuts you out because you’ve upset them , and they restrict you completely so you start finding yourself doing any and everything to make sure you’re seen as “good” in their eyes to be welcomed back in. Maybe I’m describing it wrong but for me it felt like I was always pulling at something that was never there . Almost as if they showed it attention or entertained it simply because they saw it as a way to control you and knew you were an asset . To put that complete blame on them though would be incorrect . No one told me to subdue or to lower myself to the point to where I no longer had an identity within myself, and recovering Lyric has been one of the most vulnerable , humbling experiences ever . And still is because I’m constantly learning me and evolving . I would be a fool if I said that healing from a type of trauma that first stemmed from your family and then trickled into your love life was a walk in the park or a step by step process . There were days I reverted , there were days where I made some true progress, and then there were days where I felt like I sat at a stand still praying that God just released me from it all. The one thing in church that was mentioned a while ago was that we can control our thoughts, but we can not erase our memory. This was something I wrestled with before rededicating my life to Christ . I was always frustrated about the memories, but never was praying about the thoughts and the renewal of my mind . Oh but trust me , I learned . 

   Come 2019, I would be on a plane in late July heading to Dallas, Texas ; where I would encounter the true transformative shift that brought me where I am today. I always tell my best friend that had I not gotten on that plane, I honestly don’t know where I would be. That’s not to say that Dallas was a walk in the park because it was everything BUT that . I worked for a non-profit and made barely minimum wage while room-mating with a girl I knew from an of city I use to call home. She was a close family friend of my wicked aunt that would later bring my biggest fear to pass, I.e. going to jail. Don’t worry, it was for one night and my record was cleaned due to it being my first offense, BUT that incident alone tore me down to a crazy place where I knew I needed to get Lyric back! I trusted no one here and learned how to talk my way into and out of anything. Anyone that finds out I lived in the cliff automatically says “oh my gosh , it’s so bad out there” and here I go, “girl no it wasn’t , I walked the streets late at night from a bus stop and never had a worry”. Was I telling the truth , yes, but was I who I am today and could I say the same thing, no. I experienced having to go into survival mode waaay too much to not know when it was time to be vulnerable and when it was time to put that version of myself away . Instinctively I realized I had to in Dallas. The room mate incident showed me I trusted too easily and after that mental breakdown and out-lash, I knew what version of myself had to be present. 

   I no longer looked for love or anything permanent. I more so gave myself permission to date and really just enjoy people for who they were and for how temporary they were. Did I have a person or two that struck my heart differently ? Of course, it’s inevitable, but that was broken Lyric killing time and distracting herself from the internal work that needed to be done so I may have focused on a person or two more, but I never loved them. Ever . 

   It wasn’t until the day I woke up a few days after my birthday after having a terrible nightmare, when I threw my hands up and said enough is enough. I wanted out and I needed different . I no longer needed anything Dallas had to offer and I was ready to become the woman I knew I was meant to be no matter how long it took. So, I called my homegirl who was dating a roommate of mine and asked her the next time she comes to visit if I can come back with her only until I save up enough from my job, which was Walmart at the time, to get my own place. She agreed happily, and by that weekend I was a resident of Denton, Texas. From here , things seemed to have moved and changed like night and day . I eventually found a room for rent for about seven hundred dollars but not before of course going through some crazy incidents with so called “friends” who would cheerfully help me out until they realized it meant coexisting . But I’d be rude to skip the best part of this move . After being here for about three months now, I was working at Walmart and happened to spot this coworker of mine that I was introduced too and became quite fond of. 

   Now yes, the first glance was all about the looks, but being able to talk to him and just hang out I realized how much we had in common and more so just how good it felt to be around him on a friend level . So believe it or not , that’s what I concluded to. I was not going to romantically pursue him, but I was going to simply be his friend . So much for that, because after hanging out just a handful of times, we were inseparable. Usually this kind of start ends tragically I know, because I’ve been there and done that. This was different though . He was very firm in what he wanted, and to my surprise with myself, I was very honest about what I had going on at the time. I asked him what he wanted this to be ultimately down the line and when hearing his answer of us eventually dating , I cut any loose ends from that point on. 

   For the first time , in a very long time, I felt that feeling of freedom in love. Being accepted for exactly as I came, even when I tried to apologize for the simplest of flaws, he just accepted me. Even to this day, I pray that God keeps his heart as soft and as pure as possible, because he makes me want to be better daily . Falling in love with him made me realize that I don’t think I ever truly loved anyone before. I may have had holes in my heart that people filled temporarily, but not him . I didn’t burden him with having to fill voids that others who had hurt me left . I just was , and whatever came with me he accepted and loved on and handled with care until they weren’t there anymore . 

   I can truly say I did the work, but no alone. With my partner . Being in this relationship showed me myself in the mirror , and showed me that the little things that don’t or can’t reveal themselves unless you’re with another person needed some work. We both did the best we could to show up as ourselves for ourselves and for each other . I’m in no shape or form saying we are or were perfect, but we are and were healthy . Yes , there were arguments and sometimes we definitely didn’t know how to communicate with each other when upset , but we were willing always to be better and to learn each other, and we did just that .

   This love feels safe and it nurtures my heart in a way that makes me not tolerate anything below it’s standard nor do I let it drop below the standard that was originally set. I realized that when you love someone in this manner , you wanna handle them with as much care as possible and do your best always . Even in my short comings I’ve learned to apologize and communicate when I feel a certain way. Not being afraid of the bad feelings has helped , because for me , if it’s truly love , no matter the good or the bad you should be able to voice that to your person. Having to sift through what emotions to express or communicate while simultaneously burying the very ones that are causing pain or triggering is not love, but fear. And I no longer wanted to know what fear looked like in love. That idea of love had me beaten , had me manipulated, and ultimately robbed of myself . 

   All in all , this is simply an introduction to this new chapter in my life and a glimpse into how I came to love again .